well harumph. not so fun, this one.

So much for being in the habit of posting... as soon as life picks up, I forget about everything on the ol clickernet except for email and things like thisiswhyyourefat.com and failblog.com. I am a sucker for cheap thrills on the fly, what can I say?

These past two weeks have been nicely hectic, I've attended two parties (a beer tasting fete and a housewarming shindig) and hosted a couple of dinners for friends, had a midwife appointment or two, planned our July vacation to Vashon Island (we are staying in TEPEES OMG TEPEES YALL), finished packing our birthin supply box, unpacked clothes in Bumblebee's room, and started the final baby shower planning shizz. I figure I had best get all the socializing in that I can before I am a fucking mess of sleep deprivation, spit up, eye crusties and spilled coffee. It's gonna be a long few months of adjusting, and Domo-Kun (aka manwife) only gets two freakin weeks off. Though, at this point, we are just glad he is still employed... and that we have benefits... le sigh.

Also, there is the not so fun thing where my favorite grandparent died last week. Which pretty much trumps all at this point, in terms of being motivated to do stuff and say stuff. If you read Firstnation's blog, you already know, and yeah, I am doing ok. I am not one for pretending to be all stoic and stuff, I kind of break down a little and get all sniffly in the middle of doing something mundane... even moreso while acting as fetal tupperware. So there have been lots of times where I like, make toast? chop tomatoes? look outside?, and I start crying a little.
I am glad I have so many memories of my Grandpa, he was the raddest. It is weird to hear other people's takes on him - to me, he was my sweet, bald, bowlegged, cookin' demon Grandpa. He used to grow tomatoes and plums and dahlias and he is the only person I met who grew currants and *liked* them. He drove around in a tiny porsche 912 around downtown while wearing a greek fisherman's cap and always wore birkenstock-style clogs (which are my faves, too!). Like my dad, Gpa always, always, always had to roll up or hem his pantlegs, due to a 31" inseam at 5' 8" lol. My Grandpa used to travel to Greece and would come home with armloads of decorative pots, engraved platters, textiles, and jewlery and bake baklava and dolmathes for us. Every year he would work at our local heritage festival and hand out ribbons to members of families who had been here the longest. Every time I went to his house as a little girl, he had cookies tucked away in a tin on top of his fridge - the red one, with sailboats, and had Andes mints in the milk glass candy dish on the coffee table and I could always take as many as I could get away with. I remember staring at his beautiful china cabinet filled with ornately decorated eggs, painted dishes and colored glass, and how thick the shag carpeting was in the dining room. Oh, and how terrifying the dog demon mask from Thailand was... he kept it in the bathroom, right above the damned toilet! Ack!
So now that he is gone, everyone wants to talk about how he "really" was, i.e. his personal life. I wasn't a part of that life, and that is ok, I respect that still. I am his granddaughter, I don't NEED to know who he was dating. I do not care about the wild shit he did, nor will I ever, EVER judge him for any of it if I do find out someday. Grandpa took a lot of care to cultivate very separate private and social and romantic lives, and I respect that. I have no interest in prying or hearing gossip, and I am a little upset that some of his old queen friends think it is appropriate, funny, or cheeky to do so now... ESPECIALLY to my Dad. My Dad and Grandpa never talked about the fact that Gpa was gay. They had their own relationship, and while it was not always easy or entirely honest, it was good and sweet and they loved each other very much. It is unfair for people to go and try and shit on that by sniggering around about my grandpa's young lovers and stuff. What about that seems appropriate to them, I wonder? It seems cruel, even if they are just trying to get a rise out of my Dad. I understand that part of his life even if he never came out and said anything about it. He knew we all knew, so I don't think it bore mentioning. It was fine, there is no need to "freak out the straight folks" (which...have they MET my mom? straight folk? really?). It's not like my dad ran to grandpa to dish on HIS love life. I don't get it, Ma and I are a bit queerish and it's well-known. Do they expect us to gasp in shock and clutch the pearls? Good lord. It is none of my business or anyone else's for that matter, and I hope people STFU soon.
Anyhow. Had to vent. It's a weird thing, to lose someone you were actually close to. I took the weekend to cry and hide out and be clingy with my dudes. I drank a lot of tea and ate lots of cheese and jam, and laid in bed reading a bit. This week I am mostly baking and watching old movies - lots of Garbo (apparently I *like* to be sad?), wizard of oz, etc. If you've got a sweet, kinda funny old movie that you love, hook it up! I even love the shit out of It's a Wonderful Life. It's just about my favorite classic after The Quiet Man.

Phew. I wasn't expecting to vent. I am just worried about MY parents. As Grandpa's caretakers, I am sure they are glad to see him out of pain and feel happy for him... he passed in a very lovely, calm way. He had his wits and his friends and family around ALL the time, he was well-loved and got to go without a lot of fuss or muss or hospital bullshit. On the other hand, they are busy feeling relieved and glad in a sad way, but I think they need to just go be very sad. Or see a movie and have some comfort food and go see a show and have a beer. Or have a weekend trip out of town. They deserve it, after all this time and pain and sad stuff. They are my heroes, they did this so well, and they always treated my Grandpa with the utmost respect and dignity - even when it was difficult, painful, or frustrating to do so. It was incredibly tough for them to "parent" my hyper-independent Gpa, and they did a damned good job. They deserve some time to go and do what they need to. I love you, mom and dad, and I know Grandpa did more than anything.

Ok. I have a dire need for cocoa and Amelie and a butt-snuggle after all that. I feel a bit better, thanks for the venting and grieving.

blog-o numer-o un-o (of 2008-o)

Ok, so I have been harassed for updates. See, I was going to, but then I was fucking around on the intarwubs - mostly looking for embarrassing pictures of people I know - and found...a thing. This thing was an adoptee-seeking-birthmama/dad thing. And it was this dude, born when my mom had her first kid, in Oregon, looking FOR my mama. AMAZING. I hyperventilated. I cried and got shaky and felt like my chest was going to swing open. So I did the logical thing and called Ma, flapping and squeeing and crying and freaking. I think I scared her.
So, she and I both shoot off emails to the address the site had provided. I am a horrifically impatient person, so I search myspace, friendster, facebook, your mom's house and tibet for this guy. Nooooo luck. Ok, well, still pretty neat. I stay up late playing Neverwinternights and bashing goblins until I stop shaking enough to go to bed ( I am sure four cups of coffee helped there... ).
Next morning, I am back on line, looking up phone numbers and people searches and gps locations. I get crazy impatient. Example: If Manwife misses calling me on his walk home, I cry into his voice mail about how I think hobos have flayed him and are wearing pretty Manwife suits around downtown. Then he comes home and eyes me oddly while beating me away from him to go hide for a while. I have a wild imagination. With hobos. And buffalo bill.

where was I?

oh, ok. so I get the bright idea to type in the email address i had into myspace's email finder thing. I figure, dude is pretty much in my generation, he MUST have something. I mean, come on.
And he does.
Well, his wifelady does. I feel a little voyeuristic, and peek in her pictures. OMFG. Dude has my mom's eyes, nose, chin, smile, WOW. No question. I see they have three kids, and omg, their daughter has the same pretty hazel almond shaped eyes as Ma and Bro. Amazing and wonderful.
I tap out a tentative and polite email asking if I could please get a hold of the guy. Pretty quickly, my sister-in-law (oh that is so cool to say!) replies and says, oh wow, we were trying to get a hold of you but gmail doesn't like verizon mail and keeps spitting the letters we send out! Agh, technology. Well, ok. Shortly thereafter I get an email from my big brother and I am still beyond the moon. I think he and Ma have talked more, but I have talked a good deal with SIL, who is so lovely and sweet. They both are, and I really am very relieved. I think everyone will get along nicely, which is kind of secondary...or tertiary...or entirely besides the point at the moment..! What an amazing couple of days!

Otherwise, I am still married, still hanging out at home - collaging, cooking, teaching Squidge to draw shapes and letters - still being a pain in the ass. Manwife and I have been playing NWN online with our buddy Joop (I am brynito, hit me up if you play and wanna go kill some shit and quest). It's a lot of fun, better than sitting around arguing with Squidge or having Manwife play one game while I'm on another. We are having intarweb issues, we see each other as offline when we play at the same time, which is hella lame. I say lots of cusses about it. Trying to figure out how to do a network connection or something. This may be easier if I get a laptop and do wireless networking, mayhap. My antiquated piece of shit has issues keeping up with the boys, que bummer.
Let's see...not much else to report, just connecting with old friends who are nice and not mean drunks to me, and others that are misguided but still nice, and doing brunch. I DO BRUNCH, it's a kick in the pants. Of course, we brunch at the crunchiest place around - local eggs and bacon and snausages and tatoes and java, mostly nice organic stuff and tahini and home fries with black beans and tarragon and salsa. Yum! And the local coffee roasters around here can't be beat - go find moka joe's and buy some!!

I am mostly just hanging out being flabbergasted and elated and grateful. I think if anyone deserved the cosmos aligning in their favor and heaping karmic rewards on them, it is my mother. I mean, the nice life with YB and having Squidge/Gooneybird around is great, and having a new son-in-law who is awesome and loved by all is nice too, but I was always worried this would never come to any sort of...resolution...?...I don't know the right word. But whatever it is, it's turned out in the best, most joyful and fabulous way possible. If I could meet my brother's adopted mom and dad, I would kiss them right on the mouth for keeping him safe and happy and letting him know my mom was out there and she loved him still. I really could.

The world is very strange and wonderful, I think you just have to look for it and choose it to be so.